Alcohol - it’s a barstard

One of the very rarely mentioned pitfalls of abstinence is people suddenly taking liberties. We were all talking in the gym this morning about our away trips next season, when one of my hard faced b@stard spars suggested because I no longer drink I shouldn't be @rsed about doing all the driving. I just looked at him with utter disdain and just about managed to curb the red curtain falling and making a concerted effort of ripping his windpipe out before saying 'So you think I should be your f*cking Joey and do all the jockeying, what happened to us all taking a pop at driving " He replied "well all the lads think the same, it makes no difference to you because you don't drink anymore"

Seen my @rse didn't I , before grabbing my gear and my vape and storming off ranting "You're all f*cking dogs and two faced b@stards,all to scared to say what that f*cking weapon has just chatted". I'm now sitting here in two minds thinking I may have overreacted ,but I'm also sitting here thinking I should get in the car and front it out ?

It's tw@ts like these that make you wanna have a drink.

#F*cking livid

 

Just had a lovely day ,my daughter had a barbecue and invited the wife and myself. Got home around half six because the drink was flowing too freely and the temptation just to have one bottle was annoyingly festering in my head. I've come to the realization that this compulsion is never going to leave me and it's here for the foreseeable but today sobriety really bit deep. Everyone had a drink in their hands and I just couldnt shake the thought of one drink wouldn't possibly hurt and I could moderate the amount I neck.

Then I thought who am I f*cking kidding I'd have ended up back on it and on a weekend bender and right now the throat grabbing fear of that happening is stopping me. I was practically shaking with anxiety and I just had to get out of there fast. I said Goodbye to the Daughter and her fella and grabbed my coat and drove home like Lewis Hamilton on Bennie's.

I'm sitting here with the same thoughts dancing around my head ,what if I had one just to take the edge off and it's scaring me to death. I have nothing but admiration for those people who have had years off the booze and managed to fight this constant nagging f*cking compulsion ,but I just think it's killing me and there are days when I'm willing to be weak just to succumb to a glimpse of the person I used to be. It's sounds nuts I know ,but the thought of it is just a constant voice in my head ,it starts off like a whisper and ends up like a b@stard alarm is going off. I'm really close to saying f*ck it all and just break open a bottle. I've successfully abstained from the blow the beak and even ciggies ,but trying to stave of the ale is just absolutely murderous.

Just to add ,I'm running every morning and going regularly to the gym ,so it's not exercise I need. It seems what currently ails me is more to do with the mind and that's were I tend to struggle with the fight.

 

Every day's a battle fella. Believe in yourself

 

The mental side of it is the battle. Don't beat yourself up over missing something that was once a regular part of your social life, that is natural. But it is also important to remember how far you have come already since quitting. Posts you made in the past about your drinking made it seem you were unreliable and at times selfish (many people don't realise just how selfish they are when drunk because they think they can blame it on the alcohol, but it is still you doing it, drink or not), but I remember reading how much more your family could rely on you once you quit.

I am sure everyone at that BBQ if asked when sober would say they wouldn't want to be a part of the reason you fell off the wagon and are proud of the progress you are making. In my experience since quitting, nobody has told me they want me to drink again (apart from joking how funny it would be to see me get drunk from half a beer). All anyone has ever said about it is how impressed they are that I can do it, and I would imagine that is true for the majority of people in your life as well.

Temptation isn't a sign of weakness, giving up is. Yesterday you put yourself in a position where you were tempted and you won. Good job!

--------

Also @TLC I hope you are doing well. Sorry to hear about your recent troubles.

EDIT: Just realised that was in the other thread

 

Thank mate ,yeah yesterday was a wake up call to getting too complacent and feeling like I already had it beat. I was a complete fool to let them thoughts even enter my head. It's a constant battle and it's never really won if you have the slightest notion of laying down for the fight.

 

Great news and glad to hear it kid xx

 

Thanks Trace ,yeah if I weigh it up the pluses I've gained far outweigh the negatives that drinking again would introduce back into my life. It's just I kinda wish life would make it easier without the twist and turns ,but I reckon that's the same for everyone.

 

I stopped counting the days I've been dry a while ago ,but I was talking to one of the lads on the blower earlier today and somehow over the course of our chatting we landed on how long I'd been off the ale. I couldnt believe it when he said I'd been off it for a year and a half ,I thought he was f*cking winding me up ,but f*ck me he's spot on save 28 days. It's been 578 days since I posted on this forum that I was determined to go a month without and promised Gabi (sorry the French Bitch ) to leave it alone.

Where has all that time gone ? it feels like everyday has dragged it's @rse and yet it's apparently flew. Would I even know or recollect being body snatched by an Alien ,because I no longer remember the most torturous days and nights I endured with any real clarity or indeed detail other than knowing and believing I suffered.

It just seems incredibly odd that I manged to set myself a goal I honestly felt at that time was unattainable and then manage to surpass all my expectations whilst the days have flown by like a f*cking Dickens Ghost.

 

Congratulations. Do you ever get tempted or have those days passed you by as well now?

 

The temptation is still there ,but I can now push those thoughts aside a lot easier. I think the thought of drinking now fills me with dread ,whereas the thought of not drinking used to conjure the same feelings of trepidation ,it's like those fears have swapped places. I've also got a good mate now who is attempting to dry out ,his abstinence is still in it's early days so I'm kind of shepherding him through it. I still avoid situations that would seriously test my own resolve ,but less so now. I'm still visiting the gym ,but it's no longer an obsession and I've curbed the running to a minimum of twice a week because I'm really starting to enjoy my sleep of late and have it to a regular pattern.

I think becoming a Grandad has also helped immeasurably and I cant explain the level of joy she's introduced into my life or the importance I place on being the best Patriarch I can be for the continued respect of my children. One of the most surprising things has been the tolerance I show when faced with a situation or confrontation I would have just lost the plot with in the past.

 

Facebook just reminded me that today is 6 years since I quit. One of the best decisions I have ever made.

 

Hi sandsy, if you don't mind me asking, what was it that made you quit? Also how much was you drinking before you quit?.

 

Hangovers started getting a lot worse as did hangover-induced anxiety. When I first started drinking I would get a bit of anxiety the next day if I got blackout drunk, but it would go away after a few hours or a day. As I got older the anxiety started stretching to a few days and I didn't need to drink as much to kick start the anxiety. Just a couple of beers on a Saturday night could ruin my Sunday.

I also noticed me and my girlfriend were more likely to argue if one of us (usually me) was drinking. If we were both drinking it was nearly 100% likely.

I wasn't a heavy drinker by any means. Usually would only drink Saturday night or maybe a couple during the week if I had had a stressful day. Saturday nights could vary from a few large bottles of beer at home to a heavy night out.

 

I had to go around to my mates a few nights ago ,he called me and said he was really struggling with his new found sobriety. I got there and he was an absolute wreck ,telling me over and over that he cant do it and it's depressing him. I reminded him that he's done brilliantly getting through this first month and it would all be a waste if he reverted back to type after pulling himself through.

It's mad ,but while he was talking to me all I could think about was the times when we've got absolutely bladdered and sank a few bottles of JD together and how I didn't recognize the fella sitting in front of me ,it's true you become a totally different person in the absence of drink. I actually felt like being in his company and listening to him was detrimental to my own abstinence and I'm not proud stating this ,but it felt suffocating and the need to get out became overwhelming the more I listened. So after reassuring him that the first month could prove to be his greatest hurdle I left ,but I cant help thinking I should of felt less in danger of relapsing and it was a tad weak of me ?

Maybe I'm guilty of providing ballast for my own denial ,I don't know ,all I know is I don't think I'm strong enough or as prepared to listen to other peoples struggles as I've led myself to believe. I mean ,none of my mates were there for me when I came off the Charlie ,but I don't blame them for that as I was completely off the rails and if you weren't prepared to last the pace of my blitz then you weren't deemed as useful. It's just now ,I'm starting to begrudge those who believe I'm here to reach out to.

I know it sounds selfish ,but I've done my level best to disassociate myself with any real temptation and with the trepidation I'm experiencing of late over the wife's pending results I'm not sure I can give the attention needed to inspire.